i heart huckabee

squirrels are evil.

many moons ago i decided to splurge on a happy meal and dine al fresco in washington, dc’s lafayette park. and while i didn’t want to soil my dress barn powersuit, the grass under the huge oak tree beckoned me. almost immediately a sweet, curious squirrel began flirting with me and my french fries. too cute to ignore, i’d throw him a fry and watch the lil guy eat it with delight. he’d come back begging for more, and i’d happily offer another piece. i thought to myself, “how wonderful to enjoy nature in the middle of the city!”

that is until i ran out of french fries. my little squirrel friend began to pace back and forth, then let out a creepy squirrel chirp as if to warn me that he was gonna put a cap in my a$$. after 5 minutes of this, he decided that he had no choice but to assume attack position and growl. yes, growl. it appeared that even dc’s vermin were gansta. seeing my life flash before my eyes, i swiftly threw the rest of my cheeseburger at him and ran like my life depended on it.

ever since i was almost murdered by a squirrel on that summer day, i fear parks, wooded areas, and places with large stores of nuts. hoping i’d be able to leave this chapter behind when i moved to l.a., it appears that the little rats with fluffy tails have infiltrated california too. crap.

however, today i feel a little safer knowing that presidential candidate mike huckabee is out there. ok, so he’s pro-life and anti-everything-i-believe-in…the guy will keep me safe. armed with only a b.b. gun and a popcorn popper, governor huckabee is clearly the best candidate to combat the biggest threat to national security. indeed, a vote for him is a vote against coco terror.

and this, y’all, is why i now heart huckabee.

~ by lollibela on February 11, 2008.