future ex-husband friday, “wow, i haven’t written one of these in forever!” edition

21 Oct

it’s the day that rebecca black made famous. yup, kids, it’s fridaaaay!  and you know what that means.

welcome to

you may have noticed (please tell me you noticed??!!) that i’ve been unbloggy since i returned from malaweeeeeeeeeeeeeee.   i’ll spare you the gory details, but  i got myself a case of the giarda…or as i like to call it kara dioguardi.

what's worse...the former american idol judge or the protozoan parasite? vote early. vote often.

their similarities are striking: coco can’t seem to pronounce either. both were wildly unpopular.  both kinda stunk.  both finally left after some intervention.

well, now i’m 5-pounds lighter, yay! completely better and ready to get my blog on, yo.  and i figured that there wasn’t a better way to get back in the saddle than with a future ex-husband friday post.

let’s do this!


future ex-husband’s name: amir


i’ve been in love with amir since i moved to los angeles.  i drive past his billboard every day and never grow tired of those dark, mysterious eyes.  he’s so g*d damn sexy that he doesn’t need a last name. and after a 5-year, imaginary love affair, it’s about time that he became my future ex-husband.

future ex-husband’s occupation: fashion god.  duh.

future ex husband’s age: doesn’t matter.  he has photoshop.

future ex-husband’s best feature: a tie between his eyebrows and his wallet.

how we fake met: at a very exclusive waxing establishment.

how he fake proposed: on a billboard. duh.

number of fake children: 6.  all named amir.

why our fake marriage fell apart: one day he didn’t show up for our joint spray tan appointment. i became extremely suspicious and tracked him down at our 21 zillion dollar estate in beverly hills.  it was here that i found him in a compromising position with another billboard legend. knowing that i couldn’t compete with her beauty, i filed for divorce.

terms of fake divorce settlement:  i got a billboard off robertson.  he kept the one on santa monica.  i get our airbrusher every other weekend and holidays.


happy friday, y’all!

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