please, please, please let me get what i want

22 May

“rock bottom became the solid foundation on which i re-built my life”

-writer, mom, and bazillionaire JK Rowling

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i’m not sure if i’ve hit that place lindsay lohan and my neighbor in 2B would call “rock bottom”/otherwise known as “home sweet home”…but i’ve definitely hit some gravelly patches of late. i guess it’s because today marks my three month anniversary of being laid off from my job.

it’s been an interesting journey that started with a lot of optimism and cool creative outlets (i mean, this is LA). i truly enjoyed the first month or so, as i was supes busy helping to produce a short documentary. it was fun and boundary-pushing, and the work gave me structure. and most importantly, it kept me out of the bars and away from shoe shopping (well, most of the time). i also spent march reveling in the crazy concept of not having to set my alarm at 6 am, the notion of getting in shape like the rest of the under-employed pretty people of los angeles, and being able to write in coffee shops all day while ogling at the aforementioned pretty people. of course, i sucked at the getting in shape part and was pretty non-prolific in the writing department…but i TOTALLY excelled at the “not waking up at 6 am” thang.

and to be honest, i don’t even remember much of month two as i was in the throws of acting and producing a play…between remembering my lines AND attempting to play a tambourine in front of the guy i’m somehow still dating who just happens to be a ridiculously talented percussionist and when i have the grace and rhythm of this guy AND running lights in act two AND being in charge of PR AND trying really hard not to suck on stage, i barely had enough energy to order an extra-strong gin and tonic at the end of the night. and when i wasn’t playing on stage, i was nesting in my new apartment and obsessing over window treatments, lighting, and anything of-or-related to west elm and/or etsy. and most notable…i almost got on top of my laundry. almost. oh, and i had a few promising job interviews.

and then there was month three. that’s when it started to feel real. like “for real” real. the worry. the fear. the frequent trips to the wine rack. and those promising job interviews in month 2? they failed to yield gainful employment. the play ended (and thankfully, for the audience, so did my tambourine-playing). and as i feared…my laundry refused to wash and dry itself.

as i enter month four of being a ward of the state, my angst is on par with a morrissey song (interestingly, it’s his birthday today…happy freakin birthday, moz!).

this gal who invested her most of her heart and adult life in a career that seeks to help others feels largely helpless. and while listening to the (500) days of summer soundtrack on repeat can’t be a good thing, i can’t help but to still feel lost. scared, really. at thirty-“cough”, i have both the intense desire to start a new career and the “crap your pants” fear of doing so. do i walk away from the 5-page resume filled with impressive things and a decade of work experience for the unknown? do i go back to school, accumulate debt and live like a student? at my age? do i try my hand at being a real writer, accumulate debt, and live like a homeless person? without designer shoes?

so over the next few weeks, i’m charging myself with putting my fears, my dreams, my aspirations out there in hopes that i’ll find clarity. throw it out to the universe so coco can find her destiny. and i think once i have a better vision of what i truly want, my heart (and liver) will worry less.

in the immortal words of morrissey….”please, please, please let me get what i want.” and the first thing i want? i want to know what exactly it is that i want. wow…zoey deschanel would be supes proud of my inner emo!

the good news? i do know one thing. i promise you that i will not…i repeat NOT…seek to become a professional tambourine player.

you’re welcome.

xoxo,

coco

9 Responses to “please, please, please let me get what i want”

  1. Nancy dubuque May 22, 2012 at 5:17 pm #

    Don’t worry about the job you need to write for a magazine maybe O will hire you. How about people magazine then you can get the inside scoop on George. You are very talented you be fine. If you get down let me know I can get you your shoes. LOL

    • coco May 22, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

      from your typing fingers to god’s and/or oprah’s ears!! and i may take you up on that shoe offer 🙂

      • Nancy dubuque May 23, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

        Ok with the shoes but I think you should be a writter for a network.

  2. Jamie LeBlanc Ellender May 22, 2012 at 7:13 pm #

    Im in the same boat as you! Its terrifying, paralyzing and nauseating. Keep your chin and head up, as that’s where you can see the most light! 🙂 Corny, I know.

  3. thecrazyragdollcatlady May 25, 2012 at 7:10 am #

    I quit law school one year before graduating, moved to a country I didn’t speak not even the most basic things of its language (Germany), and I am here now, still learning german (Though i am already past the intermediary level! yay) and finally decided what I want to do, be a photographer and go to Uni. at 23, I still don’t know how I will manage that. But I have faith I will!

    • coco May 25, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

      wow…that is truly inspirational! thank you so much for sharing bravo for being so brave. def food for thought!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. would it be weird if i told you i wanted to make-out with your dad? « livin la vida coco - June 13, 2012

    […] then there were the pep talks. as evidenced by this and this and this, i’ve been a big ole negative nelly cum scaredy cat of late. and yet my friends […]

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