future-ex-husband friday, tricky dick edition!

6 Jul

omg, y’all…i’m writing this blog from my brand-spanking-new/amazeballs/non-commodore 64/did i say ‘amazeballs’ yet?/awesometastic macbook air!  since my circa-1949 macbook worked as well as mel gibson’s sensitivity classes, i decided that coco best get down to the apple store and finally procure a functioning laptop.  and lemme testify for a moment…working on a machine that doesn’t lose its wifi signal every 34.6 seconds and can actually stream video without it looking like an old silent movie is kinda overwhelming to the coco.  and since it weighs less than most of my hoochie hoop earrings that i’m partial to wearing, i now have nary an excuse for not walking to my neighborhood coffee shops to check out hot  unemployed actor-persons write like the wind!

the tao of third-world kid!

and what better way to christen my nuevo mack-daddy air than with a….

let’s do this!


future ex-husband’s name: RICHARD FREAKIN’ SIMMONS!

future ex-husband’s occupation: fitness god/owner-founder of SLIMMONS STUDIO/professional tutu-wearer

future ex-husband’s star sign: unicorn (ok, that’s not REALLY a star sign, but it should be)

backstory:  as a child of the 80s, i’ve been in love with this guy for practically my whole, entire life.  i’ve fantasized about running my hands through that supes-sextastic hair for an eternity.  and those strong, hunky arms?  i’ve dreamed about him wrapping them around me and holding me all night long.  and YOU KNOW that coco is a sucker for a snappy dresser.  this guy has it all.  and a few weeks ago, i finally got to meet the man who was BORN TO BE MY FUTURE EX-HUSBAND!

how we met:  tricky dick (that’s my pet name for him) and coco nearly met my first week here in LA nearly 6 years ago.  driving through the backstreets of beverly hills with a well-seasoned angeleno, my friend eagerly pointed out to the wide-eyed, neophyte coco: “LOOK! that’s richard simmons in the purple PT cruiser! he drives through here all the time.”  indeed, it was my first celeb sighting as an angeleno-in-training…and as they say, you never forget your first time.

fast-forward years later to a time where coco was far more trained in the ways of the angeleno. it was then when i was made aware that you can take aerobics classes from my dear tricky dick!  well slap me to an anthill and smear my ears with jam!  COCO MUST DO THIS.  so when my dearest ruthy texted me to see if i’d like to go to a slimmons class with her, my answer was not only affirmative, but likely included a lot of swearing and exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so on a sunny tuesday afternoon a few weeks ago, i put on my best spandex and headed down to the slimmons studio to meet the man of my dreams.

how we fell in love:  when i walked into the studio, i giddily signed in and paid my $12. it was then that i heard the four most magical words in the english language: “HE JUST WALKED IN”.  and as i turned my head, i made eye contact with HIM.  my tricky dick was decked out in his finest studded dog collar, scarlet tutu and alabaster bobby socks. swoon!  i recklessly ran up to him (i might have knocked a few people down in the process) and told him how i’ve adored him since 1984 and how i was so excited to finally meet him and how awesome it was to be in his studio and that i loved his outfit and could i please hug him.  no awkwardness here!

he hugged me long and hard and flashed me that 1 billion kilowatt smile as he thanked me for coming to his class.   swoooooooooooooooooooon! i then ran into the studio with the bounce of a school girl after her first kiss and got ready for what i assumed would be a relatively mellow aerobics class.

within 30 seconds, i realized tricky dick was just a dick when it comes to his fitness!  and i mean “dick” in a good way.  he yelled at us!  he swore at us!  he made us feel like useless wasters of oxygen who can’t keep up with a man who’s twice the age of most of us in the room!

and of course this made me ridiculously hot.

long story short, i somehow lived through the hour of hurt-so-good fitness with my super crush intact.  we then eagerly jumped in line with the rest of the casualties class to get our pictures taken with my future ex-husband.  shockingly (NOT!), i ensured we were last in line so it would give him time to properly propose to me.  and here’s the photographic proof that tricky dick fell deeply and utterly in love with the coco:

he can’t keep his hands off me!

of course, this will be our NY times engagement announcement pic

the wedding party

after we were done with pictures, he all-of-a-suddenlike disappeared in a flash.  POOF!  heartbroken, i was kicked out of the studio shuffled out of the studio, feeling the pain that only unrequited love can manifest. what started out as the best day of my life quickly crumbled into epic sadness.

but HARK!  i heard this dulcet voice scream from a nearby car.  in that special, tricky dick kinda way, he shrieked, “get in your car for the love of god!  you’re gonna catch cold!”  i just stood there in love-struck awe. and that’s when he cried even louder, “GO TO YOUR CAR! NOW!” and while at that very moment i was convinced he was gonna scoop me up in his loving arms and take me home with him so we could live happily ever after (well, until the messy divorce), he then waved and drove away.  without me.

so while he’ll always be the future ex-husband that got away, i will always cherish our hour time together.

but if you change your mind, tricky dick, please call me. i’ll be MORE THAN HAPPY to show you my own special version of sweatin’ to the oldies ifyouknowwhatimean 🙂 just make sure you wear that dog collar. WOOF!

happy friday, y’all!

8 Responses to “future-ex-husband friday, tricky dick edition!”

  1. Jeremy July 6, 2012 at 5:37 pm #

    I would love to see him rolling deep in his purple PT Cruiser down the avenue.

    • coco July 11, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

      rolling in the PT deep!

  2. eurotransient July 6, 2012 at 6:28 pm #

    Best edition of future ex husband Friday EVER. Nicely done!

    • coco July 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

      yay! so glad you liked!

  3. Nancy dubuque July 7, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

    Oh I needed to read this. Just had to witness the neighbor beating their deaf dog with a big stick and the dog thought he was being brought out to play. So I needed a laugh so that’s for giving me that. I love Richard Simmons but he is tough in his videos. Glad you got to take his picture can’t say I like him in orange or a toto. Have you had any success with a writting job? What about a marriage proposal from George? Good luck with both. LOL aunt nancy

    • coco July 11, 2012 at 6:25 pm #

      i’m so sorry you had to see that! that’s horrible!!! there’s a special place in hell for people like that. glad i was able to make you smile 🙂

  4. Tamar Arslanian July 9, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

    you crack me up girl. i love that he replied! LOL I dare you to go back for another class! he seems scary in person…like scary old/weird looking!

    • coco July 11, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

      he is a beast! the guy is more than 60 years old and can out exercise any human being. and he still uses a record player for his class. swooooon!

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