licking buttery spread off my fingers

28 Feb

HELLO PEOPLE!!!  it’s been a minute, right?!  what’ve you been doing?  are you well?  how’s your mom?  did the penicillin work?

i don’t really know what to write about cuz when i take these long breaks i forget how to blog and then i get frustrated and then i go to eat copious amounts of chunky monkey and then i get sad because there’s only margarine and cooking sherry in my fridge and then i pound sip the latter and then i write inappropriate things on facebook and then i realize i should be writing my blog but then i’m too tipsy to use punctuation and then i shout to the internet gods that i can’t be expected to write whilest I have buttery spread on my fingers and then i say f*ck it and read gawker and then i tell my cat to stop giving me those judge-y stares.

um, yeah.

so until i figure out how to do this writing thing again, i’m going to leave you with some random thoughts/questions.

1) is there a difference between the harlem shake and alabama shakes?  and because i’m so unaware, should i be worried that i’ve finally become my mother?

2) i just bought 6 sessions at a tanning place.  should i be worried that the guy working there had what appeared to be a constellation of face carcinomas in the shape of orion?

3) how can i roofie my cat so i can do this?

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4)  a question from “a friend”: how can i delete my netflix history so my guy doesn’t know i’ve been partaking in a “say yes to the dress” marathon? (again).  

5) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY IS HE STILL WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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big smooches, y’all!  be back soon…swearsies 🙂

2 Responses to “licking buttery spread off my fingers”

  1. themisterbernard March 1, 2013 at 12:52 am #

    Hey, you’re blogging again and really… stop worrying. If the cat gives you any more sanctimonious staring, just remind him(her?) that you control your own decisions and your own life… and his(her) fate. If he/her wants to f**k with you than he/she’d better consider the possible loss of his/her reproductive organs.

    Yea. I went there. But the cat pushed me.
    It was just a warning.
    (then look hard at the cat and say:) Don’t push me. Don’t you EVER push me.

    Put aside some time tomorrow to go to the grocers. Get some bread, 1/2 dozen eggs, and maybe an apple or two. There. Now your refrigerator has some easy staples.

    Yes, the tanning salon is making a huge mistake by letting itself be represented by the ambassador of skin cancer, but hey -ya already paid for six sessions. Isn’t it a little late to be thinking of that? Did it stop George Hamilton? If ya still feel vexed then give a couple of the sessions to Kristen. People from Maryland need a little more help when they move this far south.

    Until Clooney regains his senses and changes the blade in his damn razor, he’s in the penalty box.

  2. Nancy Dubuque March 2, 2013 at 4:38 pm #

    Good job but what happen? Why has it taken so long? Thought you and George finally left the country and got married! That would explain the beard (desert island with sandy beaches). Ok, back to reality. Your not your mother first thing, your way funnier. Hope you do get some groceries soon. Don’t want you or George to starve. Lol Aunt Nancy

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