the emotional-equivalent of sizzler’s all-you-can-eat salad bar

19 Aug

happy monday, y’all! ugh. yeah, i pretty much wanted to punch myself in the face too after i wrote that. well, i just hope you get through the worst day of the week without choking someone out cuz jail sucks and i’m afraid of becoming a lesbian there cuz that’s clearly what happens because i’ve watched four episodes of the “orange is the new black”.

oh, and sorry i’ve been kinda blowing at the blogging. but hey guys! i’ve been really busy and stuff. with super important things. for example:

a) twerking. obsessed, obvi! i’d sell my minibar soul to lindsay blowhan if i could get my a$$ to pop like that.

b) the fact that prince is on twitter! and while i hate twitter because i don’t know how to properly twat and i can’t even say “OMG” in 140 characters or less and all these cool-kid hashtags just scare me. but regardless i don’t care because PRINCE IS ON SOCIAL MEDIA which basically means he’s gonna somehow find my blog and i’m gonna become his next muse and he’s so gonna ask me to twerk in his next video. duh.

c) pussy. my little girl hasn’t been feeling well and we’ve finally figured out she’s got the blood pressure of anthony weiner’s publicist and a thyroid that’s more hyper than richard simmons. i now spend all my free time chasing my cat around the house trying to shove pills down her throat. it’s all very hollywood/lohan family/mommy dearest/meta.

d) this.

oh and i’ve been kinda losing my mind.

it’s funny because i can go through long stretches in my life where i feel grounded, in touch with my inner-coco. content, even.

and then there’s times i feel like britney circa 2007. on a bad day.


i think the whole, lose job, find job, worry about keeping new job, not really knowing what i’m doing much of the time, obsessive fear of bedbugs and scabies and viruses oh-my, and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders cuz, of course, i have to fix homelessness by december because i’m all about unrealistic expectations for myself and the ensuing stress and insomnia and stuff is starting to get to me. and then there’s the whole never having enough money to feed my shoe habit, oh and lest not forget my favorite: the rare times i don’t wear my yoga pants in public to buy 2 buck chuck even though i don’t do yoga go out to a bar and i realize most some of patrons are young enough to be my children and they look effortless and carefree and adorable and chic and have this incredible beach hair. i, on the other hand, am bloated and saggy and jaded and usually have a large patch of hair that i missed shaving and am going to die alone.

and the one time i attempted beachy curls i just ended up looking like this:


less beachy, more hassidic-y

so yes, as i re-read the above and i can confirm that 1) i’m apparently close to shaving my head and talking in a british accent 2) i need to start feeding my inner coco.

after a hundred few of those ugly-cry sessions recently, i’ve become acutely aware that my inner coco has been starving. i’ve not been allowing my soul to feast at the emotional-equivalent of sizzler’s all-you-can-eat salad bar. and this has gotta end.

so this week i’m focusing on what my heart needs to soar. each day i’m going to share one thing that i aspire to do (or not do) in this journey to attain perfect beach hair more peace, more happiness.

and since it’s payday tomorrow, there will be F*CKING SHOE SHOPPING YO!

One Response to “the emotional-equivalent of sizzler’s all-you-can-eat salad bar”

  1. Nancy Dubuque August 19, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

    Ok, I will start by have a glass of wine or two. Then, go shopping for the shoes, come back and have another glass of wine. Relax girl and get that world off your dam shoulders! Believe me, I am a lot older than you, not worth the stress. By the way helped Jason and Amy move this week-end. Took me hours to do her clothes, and never saw so many shoes and purses, When I was lining up her hundred pair (at least) shoes, thought of you. Wish I had taken a picture. LOL

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