go home 8, you’re drunk

16 Sep

it’s year 8, people!!!!! yup…8 years ago today i moved to LA.  and you know my “LA-anniverary” (say it like all one word and you get extra angeleno credit) blog is always a big deal in livin la vida coco land. but boy oh boy oh boy, year 8 couldn’t have come soon enough (that’s what she said).  i’ve been trying to find a way to make any retrospective analysis of year 7 all deep or poignant or funny. but you know what?  we’re just gonna call it like it is.  it f*cking sucked balls.  like weird, smelly, hairy, nasty, droopy, super-uneven balls, y’all (and no disrespect intended if you’re down with scrotum-sucking, you supah-freak).  the whole, “car accident / girl who you hit decides to sue you for your entire policy cuz she is an aforementioned ball-sucker, having your dear sweet kitty get sick, going through a breakup then spending months realizing that there’s not enough hours of listening to fiona apple really a way to sugar-coat the fact that unconditional love was in fact conditional and probably not even love for 50% of those involved, being sick with bubonic plague-like illnesses on-and-off for 1/3 of the year, and let’s just not talk about clooney’s engagement” thing was more than my little coco heart could handle most days.  but the biggest blow you all know was losing my dear sweet yazzyhead after a wonderful 17-year run together.  

i threw myself into my work.  i spent a lot of time alone trying to protect my heart from this seemingly cruel, ball-sacky world.  i ugly cried.  i prayed.  i raged.  i ate my feelings.  i internet shopped. i watched a lot of buffy (duh). i still didn’t do my laundry.  i hoped for some amazing lesson to fall out of the sky (‘ooooh, THAT’S why everything has gone t*ts up in my life…NOW IT MAKES SENSE).  but what i didn’t really notice was that there were cracks starting to form in fortress coco….good cracks (not the bad sh*t…please don’t do crack).  cracks where light replaced the darkness.  the phone call from a friend.  the unexpected kind word thanking me for my work.  beyonce.  long walks where i lost myself yet found happiness in the silly doggies in cute sweaters all around me because LA is ridiculous.  pinot grigio.  bouts of epic clarity.

i could write about some trite sh*t like, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” but i won’t because that would make even me wanna punch me in the face.

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instead, i’m walking into year 8 with a costco-sized extra value pack of clarity.  clarity of what i want.  clarity of what i don’t want.  things i want?  virtue.  love.  passion. trusting my gut. friendship.  peace.  health.  balance.  a vacation.  depth. respect. a prioritization of my needs and desires. family. optimism.  better abs.  trust.  art. strength. a george clooney/what’s-her-name annulment.  things i don’t want?  selfishness.  making myself smaller for anyone or anything.  any compromising of my values.

i’m also walking into year 8 knowing i’m truly a good person (less my sailor-swearing ways).  i am a coco of integrity and strength.  i still fall down a lot and eat too many refined carbohydrates and would rather suck on those aforementioned hairy balls than go to the gym.  but i am driven by the good stuff and can go to bed each night knowing i’ve done more good than harm to/in this world.  that’s some advanced, next level sh*t.

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when you turn the number 8 on its side like it’s white-girl-wasted (go home 8, you’re drunk!), it turns into an infinity sign. like, whoah! we may chose to focus on our flaws, our shortcomings, our large pile of laundry that’s been sitting there for years months weeks, but we need to cut that sh*t out.  instead, what this past year has taught me is singular: one’s strength and capacity to love and to persevere is infinite.  when we know this, we can do big sh*t.  epic sh*t.

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thank you drunk 8…hope you’re not too hung over tomorrow. as for me, BRB…coco got some infinite epic sh*t to do.

xo

ps for my yazzy…you will always be my best girl, and i will always have you on my shoulder as i go through this crazy life.

pss this.  yup, this.

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One Response to “go home 8, you’re drunk”

  1. Yonni's Wacky Workshop September 16, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

    CONGRATS ! ! ! 🙂 I had no idea that you have been in La La Land for such a short period of time… glad you are still here! ❤ ❤ ❤

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