Tag Archives: katy perry

spit, not swallow

7 Jul

four days off!  yay!  sick three out of four of them!  boooo!  for those keeping track via their coco-illness-score-card, i’ve been ill 2,456,908 times in the last 9 months..give or take one or two times.


so you wanna know what are the most embarrassing wonderful things about being a shut-in while your internal temperature rises to “mars” hot? well, you can blame the fever for all your bad decision-making (including the title of this blog, sorry aunt nancy).  things like not showering until you cannot deny your own stank and using a hand towel to dry off because you ache too badly to go get a new clean bath towel in the oh-so-far-away cupboard.  and taking every medicine in your bathroom at intervals so scarily-close-to-each-other that lance armstrong would smile.  and having stare-offs with your cat, and fist-pumping when you win.

and watching this on netflix:


clearly i’m sicker than we all feared.

but first, let me admit something.  between you and me, i actually like katy perry.  she’s a lot like me.  grew up a good girl, moved to the big city to find herself, her inner voice.  she likes cats.  she likes bad boys/musicians/foreign men. she’s so uncool at times she’s cool (well, i’m the first part of that sentence)


but i cannot let this information out for public consumption. mostly because my BF is seriously in love with her and would leave me in a heartbeat if she gave him three seconds of her time and i would have to punch the radio every time i heard “firework” and i need my hands to write and fist-pump and open nyquil bottles.

so in honor of my bad-decision-making, i thought watching “part of me” would make me feel better.  in the movie previews, they showed her a lot without make-up and with stringy hair and dressed in stupid costumes that looked like she was a character in an amish-version of candyland and she gets dumped by russell brand who i just saw canoodling at dinner in silverlake last week and was all like, “omg that’s russell brand and i bet he could tell me lots of things that would make my BF think twice about his epic love for katy perry…if only i could get him to take his tongue out of his date’s mouth i could maybe ask without being uncouth.” and of course i figured this, combined with all that sweetness and goofiness and  annoying skinniness would make me feel better about being in the same clothes for the past three days and my own stringy hair and how it hurts to fist pump because of the fever aches.

but of course, i fucking love her now.  she’s a hard worker.  she’s silly.  she can actually sing (and does).  she went to a place in japan where you can drink tea and hang out with kitties.  and i did that horrible ugly cry when her marriage was crumbling in front of my eyes and i just wanted to hug her even if she was wearing that rediculous outfit with the spinning candy.  fuck you, katy perry!


and to add insult to injury my tonsils are the size of katy perry’s perfect boobs cantaloupes and are more painful than a breakup with a british comedian. the bad news: this means that everything i try to ingest hurts and i can only spit and not swallow.  the good news: that i’m so gonna get katy-perry-skinny and write a hit song about my suffering.

you win some, you lose some.

baby i’m a firework!

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