Tag Archives: say yes to the dress

licking buttery spread off my fingers

28 Feb

HELLO PEOPLE!!!  it’s been a minute, right?!  what’ve you been doing?  are you well?  how’s your mom?  did the penicillin work?

i don’t really know what to write about cuz when i take these long breaks i forget how to blog and then i get frustrated and then i go to eat copious amounts of chunky monkey and then i get sad because there’s only margarine and cooking sherry in my fridge and then i pound sip the latter and then i write inappropriate things on facebook and then i realize i should be writing my blog but then i’m too tipsy to use punctuation and then i shout to the internet gods that i can’t be expected to write whilest I have buttery spread on my fingers and then i say f*ck it and read gawker and then i tell my cat to stop giving me those judge-y stares.

um, yeah.

so until i figure out how to do this writing thing again, i’m going to leave you with some random thoughts/questions.

1) is there a difference between the harlem shake and alabama shakes?  and because i’m so unaware, should i be worried that i’ve finally become my mother?

2) i just bought 6 sessions at a tanning place.  should i be worried that the guy working there had what appeared to be a constellation of face carcinomas in the shape of orion?

3) how can i roofie my cat so i can do this?

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4)  a question from “a friend”: how can i delete my netflix history so my guy doesn’t know i’ve been partaking in a “say yes to the dress” marathon? (again).  

5) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY IS HE STILL WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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big smooches, y’all!  be back soon…swearsies 🙂

missy elliot don’t want no one-minute man…or a thirty-one minute blog

2 Aug

i have exactly 31 minutes before i have to throw myself in the shower and get ready for a meeting.  i could do my requisite Facebook stalking ogling, which i prefer to call “inspiration research” versus “lame-sauce time-suck”.  or maybe i could make two more shots of espresso and see how many shots it takes to find one’s way to a minor cardiac episode?  (note: so far six has just made me giddy.) and then there’s that ever-growing behemoth pile of laundry that taunts me….i could do that?  HA!!!! yeah right.

or i could just force myself to write.

you see, i suck at “just writing”.  unless i have “divine inspiration”…usually imparted by the wily antics of a kardashian or a LOLCAT (btw, LOLCATS>kardashians…duh), i find it really difficult to sit down and blog.  i sometimes stare at my cat, hoping she’ll do something amazeballs that I MUST WRITE ABOUT.  but since she’s 16 and chiefly eats, sleeps, and prepares to eat and sleep, that yields very little stimulus. so instead, i just eat potentially-hazardous cold pizza cook a healthy lunch, watch a Keeping up with Kardashians marathon read a book, and drive to the coffee shop and stare at unemployed actors and make up stories about them in my head go to the gym.  and there goes another day without writing.

well, we are going to attempt to break myself out of this cycle.  today, coco is gonna write a list of the things i COULD POTENTIALLY WRITE ABOUT IF I DIDN’T SUCK. in 31 minutes.  and let’s just hope missy elliot aint reading this cuz she prolly don’t want a 31 minute blog either.

1) hip hop classes. i could do a whole v-blog series showing you how my hip-hop skills are fierce, yo.  especially since i’ve been spending what little disposable income i have on dance classes. that would be dope, yo! but since i still largely suck and my teacher now knows my name so he can tell me all the things i’m doing wrong through a personalize critique and since i’ve somehow managed to actually gain weight since i’ve started going to class, i’m not going to write about this.

in my head i look like her. instead i’m just what’s on her shirt.

2) the guy.  remember when i mentioned that i was dating someone for longer than 3 minutes?  well, it’s now been 4 whole minutes and he still somehow returns my calls and everything.  i could totally write about how we’re now at that horrible interesting stage when you start sharing things. like how he gave me the password to his HBOTOGO (omfg isn’t “the newsroom” the t*ts?!!!) and how i gave him my password to my netflix account.  except after i did  this, i realized that you can’t hide your queue and he can now see how you spent that saturday night in watching 7 episodes in a row of “say yes to the dress”?  i could write about this if, in fact, this was based in truth…but of course, it’s not.  that’s because i only watch foreign independent  films and thought-provoking documentaries, and only on monday and tuesday nights because the rest of the week i’m at art openings or film premiers or snorting coke with lindsay lohan in a bathroom at chateaux marmot fabulous soirees.

i’m sure the top two are: 1) share anything that can reveal who you really are 2) let him watch you in hip-hop class

3) the job search.  i could write about this, but i would cry.  and then i would eat more cold, questionable pizza and watch more “say yes to the dress”. sigh.

the good news? aflac is very eager for me to join their salesforce. and i’m so excited to be an insurance broker, said coco never.

well, that’s all i was able to come up with in 31 minutes.  sorry, missy.

happy thursday, y’all!

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