it’s no secret i’m OBSESSED with prince rogers nelson…AKA PRINCE AKA the purple one AKA the artist formerly known as AKA the squiggly weird symbol thingy AKA my future ex-husband.
and it all started on christmas morning ’84 when my bro gifted me the album ‘purple rain’ at a very inappropriate young age. clearly my college-aged sibling hadn’t heard anything on the record other than purple rain, cuz there’s NO WAY he’d be cool with me learning about all those nasty-a$$ things that that slutty nikki girl would do. terrified that my mom and/or brothers would find out i basically had aural porn in my possession, i’d make sure i’d listen really quietly and only with the door closed. and if somehow caught, i’d tell them i assumed prince was talking about how nikki had a problem grinding her teeth at night and should consider a good mouth guard.
i’m pretty sure i listened to purple rain more than a billion and a half times. and sh*t would get real every time, y’all. i would put on my moms frilly 80’s shirts and steal her eyeliner so i could give my upper lip a soft yet manly prince-stash.
i imagined doves crying (so emo!) as i got out of the tub all dramatic-like.
i would sing-shout to “i would die 4 u” as i eagerly pointed into my imaginary audience.
and of course i was determined convinced that i’d be prince’s baby mamma and we’d live in a big-a$$ purple castle and we’d drive on matching purple motorcycles and go to brunch with sheila e and vacation in the hamptons with morris day and the time and prank call sheena easton. duh.
oh and if you’re you’re imagining what our baby would look like…
we’ll call it nate if it’s a boy
thirty years later (if you’re trying to figure out how old i am, i got the album when i was a fetus), my epic love affair with the purple one remains creepy steadfast.
so when i finally got to see him in concert in 2011, i might have peed myself six or seven times from excitement. my dear friend N and i just sat there for hours with our mouths agape, freaking out that our life-long dream of seeing prince live was finally coming true. there are really no words.
no words.
still. no. words.
but this i can say: i’m going to have no problem telling both my future husband on our wedding day and my first born that the prince concert was still the best moment of my life. and they’re just gonna have to deal.
i kid. i kid. that’s not going to happen, y’all…cuz i’m gonna marry prince and our wedding song is gonna be “gett off” (sorry mom) and we’re gonna wear raspberry berets, so it’s cool.
or so i thought. because everything changed when i met her. and now, she’s all i think about. but who is this mystery woman? you’ll just have to wait for part 2.
until then, you can watch mah boo licking his crotch like a boss!
livin la vida coco 