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dear yazzyhead,

it’s two nights before the anniversary of your passing and i’m a f*cking mess.  mommy was hoping that she was done with all that ugly crying that makes her face puffy for days and would somehow get through this sh*tty week.  and surprisingly, i was actually doing pretty well.  and then all-of-a-sudden, while i was changing my bedsheets tonight, i lost my sh*t.  if you were here you’d most definitely judge me for not pulling it together.  but i couldn’t help but to remember how much you loved clean bed linens and mommy just couldn’t hold it in any more. so now i’m sitting here sobbing and writing and listening to our queen of lesbian rock shawn colvin and missing you more than i’ve missed anything else in my life.

i wish i could say something prophetic about your loss.  but you know what? i won’t.  i can’t.  it sucks and there isn’t a day that i don’t wish you were with me.  i didn’t know i could love something or someone as much as i love you.  i guess that’s what happens when you’re together for nearly 18 years. i still get sad when i clean and find kitty hair.  i feel weird and emotional about getting rid of it which also means i’ve reached level: advanced for crazy cat lady grief. stella kitty misses you, too. i wish you could see how she’s adapted to being the lady of the house. she’s found her voice as an old lady and has become quite the diva.  she’s never been the only kitty and she’s learning to flourish in the limelight.  she’s also going through renal failure like you, but thankfully her kidneys are still fighting to keep her going.  i’m a little less scared as i enter this final chapter with her as you taught me what to do.  i’m thankful that your fight wasn’t in vain, and that sweet stella (and mommy) are reaping the benefits of your experience. we both know you’re watching over us.  and even though you weren’t the best of friends, stella truly appreciates that you opened your home and shared her mommy with her.

i think i’m going to visit the vet tomorrow and bring them something nice.  maybe cookies or chocolates.  they were so good to you, and i really hope they know how much i appreciate how hard they fought for you.  they loved you so much…even though you weren’t their biggest fan.  but it’s ok…you were a momma’s girl and everyone knew that.

once the dust settles, i’m thinking of getting a jasmine plant for the courtyard in honor of you.  i wanted to do that when you first passed but it was too soon.  a few months back, i decided to be a new-age weirdo and bought an essential oil that smells like jasmine flowers. i wear it every day on my heart chakra and it makes me think of you. i know that you’re laughing at the fact that i actually used the terms “essential oil” and “heart chakra” without throwing up in my mouth and that’s ok.  i’m learning to laugh at me again, too.

i still play this pretty much every morning like i did so many mornings with you.  you are and always will be my home.

i love you, my desert flower.  i miss you every day.

love always,

mommy