the hangover (with more coco and less mike tyson)

i’m writing this blog from the safety the comfort of my own bed.  after the one-two punch of my laguna beach + palm springs roadtrip this weekend, i’m relieved that i made it home alive. and while my liver, self-respect and bank account still have the bed spins, coco is super happy. i’m guessing the local liquor store merchants along our route are too.

it’s important to note that my 72-hour laguna/palm springs sojourn could have gone horribly wrong. first, my pale and lumpy body hasn’t seen sunlight since 2006…and it was about to spend an entire weekend in 118 degree heat by a pool.  secondly, we were staying at hipster mecca…which meant i’d have to fit in among hundreds of hipsters and their PBR-drinking, fedora hat-wearing, rayban wayfarer-donning ways.  and since i fall over a lot, discovered vampire weekend way too late, and am completely at peace with liking mainstream things, being cool sympatico with the idies was going to be tough.  lastly, i was traveling with super fun people who can drink more than 2 adult beverages without requiring an IV infusion the next day…and they had outfitted the trunk with the makings of a full bar (or what i call ‘a likely trip to the ER for alcohol poisoning’).

since recounting the entire trip could lead to criminal charges  be lengthy, i’ll just focus on the top 5 legal awesome things about my first real vacation in a really really long time.

5) guys with beards. 

everywhere we went, we were surrounded by men with crazy-a$$ beards.  we sought to talk, drink and/or dance with every single fuzzy faced man with which we rubbed shoulders.  one of us may have even kissed a bearded boy (the identities of both parties will not be revealed, but one of their names may have rhymed with ‘loco’). thank you, bearded men for being a source of epic entertainment.

4) the eagle.

staying in palm springs is like being in a david lynch film.  it’s weird, entertaining, and, well, weird.  and every film needs a soundtrack.  we inadvertently chose the local classic rock station as ours.  dubbed “the eagle”, the station was never NOT playing in our room.  the juxtaposition of mid-century furniture, the mars-like landscapes outside our window, and the controlled chaos that occurs when 4 people share a hotel room somehow combined beautifully with bruce springsteen and credence clearwater revival.  kinda like how tater tots and expensive chardonnay are a surprisingly amazing pairing (long story).

plus

equals

AWESOME.

thank you, the eagle, for inspiring us to spread eagle spread our wings and soar to vacation epic-ness.

3) straight loca barbie. 

a picture speaks a thousand words. thank you, straight loca barbie.

2) sunblock. 

we all somehow emerged from multiple days of blistering sun without looking like donatella versace.

and while i’m convinced the vodka had some sort of mysterious sun-blocking properties (i’ve alerted the national institutes of health), it’s possible that the SPF 70 sunscreen that i applied every 38 seconds actually did its job.  thank you, sunscreen, for ensuring that i continue to look like this:

and not this:

1) linda gerard!

if you look up FABULOUS in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture of linda gerard.  linda is ace hotel’s ace up its sleeve.  her perfectly lined lips, exquisite scarfs and over-sized dynasty glasses are only but a few things that make her the most amazing woman in the wholewideworld.

linda’s job is to entertain ace hotel’s diners.  and boy does she bring it. imagine if lucille ball and rupaul had a lovechild…

(i’ll give you a few seconds…..)

linda does not need an ornate stage or complex lighting and sound.  instead, linda announces to the dining room that something life-changing is about to occur with the use of a bell.  she then then launches into an accapella rendition of a showtune or some other standard, which sends her fans into a frenzy. her voice is like butter.  her act is perfection.  her divaness is epic. eat your heart out, broadway.

thank you, linda for reminding me that fabulosity is always in style.

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well, better sign off so i can run to rite aid for some tylenol, a lipliner and an Eagles CD.  hope y’all had a faboosh 4th of july! xoxo

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for adam, ariella, doug and straight loca barbie